Friday, May 18, 2007

Well, I am off to the USA for my annual family ritual, THE FAMILY HOLIDAYS. So, not gonna be able to pen (can I use that for blogging) down my absurd thoughts for the next few days. Needless to say, I'll return from the trip with more absurder thoughts than ever. It'll be wonderful to visit a country with absolutely no moral police (thus providing fodder for my absurd thoughts). Life is so boring right now, I just pray that something exciting happens on the trip. It's so ridiculous, Monotony. That's my kryptonite. I am restless and energetic, I need to move, to spread some anarchy, I need to be constantly fiddling around with something, as my friends say, "I need to lose something, just so I can find it."

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

When Love Turns Sour....

Funny thing isn't it, love ? It makes one do anything, and I mean ANYTHING. I doubt there's a feeling like that in the world which can produce such extreme feelings, and hence extreme actions in people. And the funny part is, the absolutely funny part is that the person, doing whatever he/she does, under the influence of love, will think it's perfectly sane to do the most absurd things, for equally insane reasons. Weird or what ? And yes, it inspires people, it makes them rise above themselves, do things which were they never thought were possible by them.

But when love goes sour, that's when it can plummet one to the depths of despair. And the sh** that goes on when a good relationship turns sour, that can rarely be put in words. Sometimes, when something is so good, so real, then you don't feel like leaving it, that when the trouble starts. It's hard to leave a good thing, but gets harder if one doesn't know when to back off.

THAT FATEFUL DAY

It's so easy, when someone is so submissive to push them into a corner, and all the time you are thinking, "Right, I'll just push a wee bit more, just until I have got it to a point from where I can move it forward, without going through these horrible actions". You think, that the end will eventually justify the means. Of course, you have no intention to hurt or even marginally harm that special someone. You just wander along in your happy-go-lucky self, telling, no no, convincing yourself that all of this is for the greater good of the relationship, that one special relationship. But, unaware and blissful as you are, you don't realise that the person at the other end suffers, and has no idea, that there is no malice in your voice, no threat in your actions. And then, one day, when you push too fast and too hard, without realising what you are doing, your entire world comes crashing around you, cause that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Cause that's the day, when the other one does something so extreme, that everything seems mild in comparison. At first, its a surreal feeling, your ears hear it, but you just can't acknowledge the fact. It doesn't fit in, and it irritates you, it pushes you to do stupider things. But at the end of that fateful day, when you crawl into your bed, harrowed by the knowledge that you are lonely and cold, that's when it sinks in, that's when it hits you, and you spend an entire night just trying to cry it away. Trying to cry, in the weird hope, that you will just become numb, and in that numbness, will lie your solitude. But the harder you cry, the more you think, and the more you think, the more the truth stares you in the face, until you finally accept it.

THE NEXT DAY

You wake up the next morning, or rather, you leave your bedside. Sleep, in such times is sporadic, because the minute your eyes close, memories, all those painful memories, flood back to you, like never ending nightmares, and even if you open your eyes, for a few lingering moments, they refuse to fade away. However, you are up, and first thing, you sit and you try to convince yourself that yesterday night was a bad dream, that all of this is untrue, and to put that to test, you turn to the one, whose always been there for you whenever you confused. However, when you call, the harsh truth hits you, like a knockout punch, and then you start wishing, that maybe you should never have got up today. And then you finally accept it, what a stupid fool you have been, and you wonder how things ever got so messed up. But the worst part, is the answer, which is delivered to you by that small voice in the back of your head that you haven't been listening to all this while, the answer which says, quite plainly, that things got till here because of you, because of your stupidity. And though you try to reason with yourself, that why were the actions of that someone so drastic, you know deep down inside, that in this mad world, the small voice is the only one that is making sense. Then you begin to admonish yourself, you abuse and insult yourself, you concentrate on your mistakes and cry over them, because you finally know the root cause of why your dream world is tearing itself apart. And if you look real hard, you'll realise that it is your own hands wrecking this havoc, but you were just blind not to see it till now. The same way you were blind, not to love when you were loved, not to give when you were asked for it, and most of all, not to say thank you, until it was too late. But you still won't believe it, because of love, the love for that someone which pulls you back harder, the more you try to leave and hence, you seek for answers. And though it aches your tired heart, you heap more misery on yourself, and continue to pray, until the moment arrives. It'll be a teeny tiny moment, possibly if you aren't concentrating, and wallowing in self-pity, you may even miss it. Though it may take time to come, sure as hell, THE moment finally arrives, cause that is love answering back. It is the moment, when your prayers are answered, and there emerges a tiny ray of hope, just a little flicker of light, in your own dark hell. That is when your beloved gives you a chance, no no, not a chance but a hope, that do this and maybe things will be okay, or maybe they will be not, but you just know that there is still this minuscule chance. And you take it, sure it may not be a fair deal, sure it may be a blind alley, but you cling on to it, cause that is hope. And it is light in a deep, dark and lonely world. And you smile, and hang up, cause now your life has purpose, now you realise your follies, and accept them, and that is the first step to forgiveness and possibly salvation.

So you start, you start to keep the promise you made, and at times you feel so lonely and hard done, that it's untrue, but you keep at it, cause you realise that it's harder for the person at the other end, and that a day of keeping the promise, is one more day on the path to recovery. In your moments of solitude, you begin to realise your mistakes, more clearly than ever before, and you repent for them. You realise, how lucky you are, not to be shunned aside, not to be dumped, but to be given an opportunity to repent, and to prove that you too, can be trusted. You realise, how difficult it must be for the person at the other end, how wonderful that person is, and how you'll two share a common vision for a better, stronger future. And though, you know, that this may be a wild goose chase, that nothing may ever change, and that life may again kick you in the ba**s, you stick at it, because you trust that person, whose given you hope, never to let you down, and that trust and the love, and the memories of bygone days keep you trudging along your chosen path.

At times, though you sit and wonder, that why should I not just move on, and why shouldn't I not look back ? So, you set out, only to realise, that no one quiet takes care of you, and no one smiles at you, and understands you, in that same special way and so you return, like a moth to a flame, even though you know that it may eventually be the end of you, you know that you are willing to take your chances with that.

You are also scared, scared that what if even after all this, the issue of the future comes up,but then you smile at your stupidity, cause after all this, if the issue of the future comes up, you know that with your understanding and compromise, you will get through anything. And you promise yourself, that you will never hold back that person at whatever cost and never to make the same mistakes again.

And you pray, every morning, evening and night, that just maybe, just maybe, sometime in the future, when the storm of present has settled down (cause you know, that come what may, it will settle down), that it'll be just you and that person, together, in their own private little world, sitting, and smiling at the chaotic world pass by, enjoying a stronger bond, because you know, if this comes through, then your bond will be stronger and fresher than ever before.

Never give up, never ever think that something is unworkable and back off. Just put your entire faith and work hard, and always believe.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Bloggers Block ???

This is the definition of " FRUSTRATION ". I'm sitting here, in front of my computer screen, staring at this blank white space on which I'm supposed to pour out my heart and nothing is coming. It's ridiculous that for the past so many days I have nothing to write about. The point of frustration was so bad that I was considering writing about the U.P. elections, before sense poured into me and I realised I'll be shunned.

I've swear I've tried. I started off with a blog on IF by Rudyard Kipling, just my favourite poem of all time. Then moved on to how ludicrous it is that now we're again saying Team India is back in form now that they have beaten Bangladesh. Then I moved on to the ridiculous state of politics in India, whereby the CPI berates the President for suggesting that India should have a stable 2 party system seen in advanced countries, afterwards tried writing on The Moral Police scenario in our country but realised that desperate I maybe, but they still don't even deserve a rant on my blog.

Anyways, finally accepting my defeat I now sign off, comforted by the knowledge that tomorrow I leave for a day to Shirdi and hopefully my brain will churn out a bit more.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Since time immemorial, people have been trying to divide people in convenient categories, like we are a couple of items at Walmart. People have been divided into lines of religion (always a crowd favourite that one), colour (a close second), mugging power (thus laying the foundation for examinations) amongst others. Apart from the obvious detrimental effects (exams), other more harmful ones have followed, Racism etc.

A convenient solution is to group them how I group them. According to me there's only 2 types of people in the world : Those who take a bucket bath and those who take a shower. See, this list is exhaustive and covers everyone in the world. Now this list is not only a off the shelf invention but a in depth analysis of the people of earth (thus you know what I do during preparatory leave). Each group has their own characteristics, and is totally at peace with the other (hence, no more fights. Noble Peace Prize, here I come). It should be noted that the shower is essentially a reference to people who take their bath's under running water (waterfalls, garden hoses etc.), while the bucket is a reference to static water (bathtubs, ponds, rivers etc.)

The Bucket Group is the slower, lethargic, relaxed group. They have unlimited patience (they can wait hours for the bucket or the tub to fill) and usually have an aptitude for planning ahead (so they know that they have to leave the bucket to fill at x hours so as to have a bath at x+y hours). They usually have time to smell the flowers and nothing short of a nuclear fallout will hurry them up. However, once started slower, they usually speed up (in the bucket bath, for 15-20 mins, there's no water anywhere and then swoosh...). However I attribute this to time constraints rather than a burst of energy. Simply put, unless faced with a time limit, a bucket bather will continue at his own slow pace rather than speed up (thus making them prime examples of Newton's Law Of Inertia). Also, these people do not like repeating/re-doing anything. They are prim, proper and meticulous.

The Shower Group are nature's energy bundles. They want to have everything instantaneously (they wont wait for 30 seconds to start having a bath) and are usually impulsive (and they seldom regret their decisions). They have a devil may care attitude and prefer to rush through life (their favourite quote is usually on the lines of that unforgettable line from Kurt Cobain - "It's better to burn out than to fade away"). They prefer to do everything at a fast but constant rate and NOTHING is gonna make them change that. They don't bother planning ahead but rush headlong into life, doing everything at their own speed (thus they fully demonstrate Newton's Second Law, Force = Mass X Acceleration). They don't have a problem with doing anything a number of times. They usually have periods of high energy characterized by periods of lethargy. They are energetic, untidy and creative.

The last and most important difference is that a bucket bather may take a shower, but it will never be vice versa.

The above data is true to the best of my knowledge and has been verified in practical analysis (my parents and brother). This may also explain the eternal strife and lack of similarities between my family and me, considering that I am the ONLY one in my family who falls under the shower category.

Do leave comments on what you are and how much you agree. Cheers!!!

P.S. : Q - Why wasn't Jesus Christ Born In America???
A - Because in entire America they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin!!!!

(I can just imagine raj cracking up at this).

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Thats The "Spirit"






Well, exams are over and I don't know how to feel. I mean like vodka, lectures (among other things) before them, exams are starting to wash over me, their presence meaningless, their start inevitable and their end, just a matter of time.

VJTI is still stuck in 1857 (year in which it was founded for all those who didn't know). Given below is an article which I had submitted for the college magazine. What came out eventually amounted to an intellectual insult. From that day on, I gave up my post as Nirmaan editor. I became more of a figurehead, a mannequin, ever present but mentally absent. Being editors we all had to submit insipid, boring articles inspired by ridiculous topics. Not only that, we had to heap misery on the unsuspecting student body by asking them to write on the same boring trite. Of course, should any student dare to write anything that amounts to creativity, we as editors were supposed to happily snip and trim away till what was left resembled a doughnut - hollow to the core. Compare this article of mine to the one in Nirmaan and raise a toast to the death of creativity in VJTI. Needless to say, the editors were just robots, fed by thinly veiled threats from varied sources (I know I am vauge but I'm sure you will know just where in general I am pointing to) about how we have to keep the magazine in tune with the "spirit" of VJTI. Needless to say the "spirit" of VJTI will give Egypt's oldest mummy a run for it's money. If we as editors, "failed" at our jobs, then these demi-gods snipped and cut away for us, all with a look of patient suffering registered on their faces, as if we were the worst editors that had ever taken up the hallowed post. Heaven is proof that I have tried to fail and fail again, till such an extent that the sight of me working away on the magazine was enough to give my co-editors a cold sweat. Our debates were and are boring, topics like family planning, contraception, and even issues relating to morality and is society the right one to decide were banned. The IIT's had debates ranging from incest to global warming, all televised on youth channels to spread awareness for a better India. For us to move forward and compete with the best educational institutions in India, this "spirit" should be chucked into the nearest possible grave and maybe then can produce a magazine and not the world's foremost cure for insomnia.


Friday, May 4, 2007

Sanity Lost

Now that exams are preparing to leave me from thier suffocating grip, it makes sense for me to create a list of all the things, people, places that helped me get through them :

1. MUSIC
It's been there through a lot of good times in my life and more pertinently through a lot of dark times.

2. MOVIES
Crank, Snatch, The Pursuit Of Happyness, Van Wilder, Metal : A Headbanger's Journey, American History X and many more. Delightful movies, all of them and my escape routes so as to leave my stuffy environment ever so subtly.

3. MY BOOKS
The Afghan, The Reluctant Fundamentalist, Five Point Someone, Harry Potter, Agatha Christie, William and so many more have whisked me away to a place that can only be found in one's imagination.

4. MY PLAYSTATION 2
The joys of virtual reality are to many to be enumerated. Suffice to say that this is my dream machine and kept me up in the nights whenever the going got drowsy. If you don't wake up wide and your adrenalin doesn't start flowing when you just felled a 50 foot monster, then please check yourself into the nearest hospital.

5 FOOTBALL
This is the number 1 reason why I still am. Everyone knows when they are most comfortable and at peace, for me, its with a football at my feet...because thats when life feels exactly right.

6. SHEESHA
My respite. The only time when I can stop and smell the flowers and take stock of the rollercoaster that is my life.

7. ME, MYSELF
No explaination required I hope.

So far so good with the exams then, thier vice like grip over me is going to be stopped for a semester so as to allow me to indulge in my other vices.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

A HIGH 5 ????


Exams are on and am really pissed, and it's got everything to do with that number 5. Now, I was a reasonably bright spark in my 10th and 12th. In engineering though since my first sem, I was branded as a bloody 5 point idiot. And it pisses me off to no end. Its not like I dont like being a five point someone or that I dont deserve it. Naaah..... I choose to be it and hence am happy. It's just the reaction of people when they know that you a 5 pointer. Its that look in their eyes which says that "Go on, mate. How the f*&k did you get in this college??".And it's all the more ridiculous when you know that you have possibly done more in your life than that idiotic greasy haired obnoxious little git starin at you. I mean, I play footy everyday, am way ahead of the VJTI average, or even the national average in terms of spoken english, I debate, I MUN, I possess a sense of humour, am reasonably popular, definately dont stay cooped up at home, am street smart, and my choice of music doesn't revolve around Rakhi Sawant and Himesh Reshammiya, watch intelligent films . Doesn't that count for something.....anything?? My point being, is bieng a five point someone really that bad??? To finish off, a few lines from one of my favourite songs that sums me up on this :

" Nobody's Perfect,And I Stand Accused,
For Lack Of A Better Word, And That's My Best Excuse "